Greetings fellow Weight Loss enthusiasts.
This is Hans Ratzenburger with some excellent news.
After much negotiation and expenditure of blood, sweat and tears on my part, we have managed to get a lease on a disused Prison to use as the new home for the Ratchet Diet Clinic.
For quite some time now I have been operating the Ratchet Diet Clinic out of a garage in the backyard of my own home.
This arrangement worked when we only had a small number of inpatients, but as the popularity of the Ratchet Diet has grown, we are finding that the garage does not provide the opportunities for enforcing the required level of discipline that our more challenging dieters require.
I have also had some complaints from neighbours about the screams of pain coming from the shed. I believe that this only happened on a few occasions when my Ratchet Discipline Officer, Freda Furtwangler got a bit carried away with some of the more recalcitrant dieters, and had to “Get medieval on their asses!” to enforce discipline on them.
We are all very excited about our new home for the clinic and we are already planning the move and the operating procedures that will apply for our first intake of dieters.
The plan is that we will send our courtesy bus around to the homes of each new dieter and collect them along with a few personal belongings.
In some of the more extreme cases, a dieter may have been nominated to attend the clinic by family members and may not cooperate when asked to get in the courtesy bus.
That should only happen in a tiny minority of cases and when it does, our staff are authorised to use proportionate force to ensure that the dieter does indeed get into the bus and arrives as planned at the clinic to take the first step towards their new life.
All of our Ratchet Clinic Collection Assistants are trained in martial arts and in the administration of stupefying drugs to ensure cooperation from our new diet members.
Upon arrival at the clinic, the new dieters will be marched along the outer perimeter of the prison towards the white reception tower where our friendly and smiling Ratchet Clinic Induction Staff will greet them and make them welcome.
During this induction process we will ask the dieters to kindly remove all of their personal clothing including under garments, all prosthetic devices and any birth control appliances. We will also collect and itemise all items like watches and jewellery. Obviously we will remove any cell phones or other electronic devices at this time. All of these items are recorded and stored safely for return when the dieter eventually checks out.
The dieters will now be led into the Induction Centre Shower Facility where a high pressure hose can be directed at them to blast away any nasty vermin like fleas, lice or crabs that they may be harbouring in their fat folds. Our shower facility is a state of the art environment where each dieter can be assigned their own separate wire cubicle while the high pressure hose is applied to their body. The wire mesh construction of this facility provides a handy gripping surface for the dieter to maintain their balance while being subjected to the high pressure stream of water.
The shower area is cleaned top to bottom between intakes to ensure that there are no outbreaks of fungal infection.
We have been asked why we subject our new dieters to the high pressure hose treatment and the answer is simple. Many of our new recruits are morbidly obese and even they are sometimes surprised at the flora and fauna that have been living in the parts of their bodies that other diet clinics don’t touch.
We are currently using an old fire hose that we found in a shed on the prison grounds for this but we have plans to eventually have a purpose build clinical hose with variable pressure controls for the added comfort of our patients.
My legal advisers have asked me to make a statement here in response to several complaints they have received about the hosing down of our new inmates. Some of our ex-patients have been interviewed by the press and have called the hosing down procedure a painful and degrading experience. We here at the Ratchet Diet Clinic make no apologies for our hosing down procedure.
We are fastidious about the health and cleanliness of our dieters and this the hosing down of our new guests is one aspect of the induction process that is non-negotiable.
We are all living in close proximity in the clinic so we cannot take any chances on vermin or infectious diseases. An infestation of vermin would go through the facility like a hot knife through butter.
Due to our rigorous standard of cleanliness we are proud to say that the Ratchet Diet Clinic is a more clinically sterile environment than the best five star hospital on the planet.
Our floors are so clean that you could eat your dinner off them and in some cases patients who have caused trouble may end up doing just that
Once they have been hosed down, the dieters are frog-marched into the Induction Centre Drying Facility. This is actually a hot air tunnel that we managed to purchase at a bargain price from a car wash that had recently gone out of business.
This ensures that the dieters are clean, warm and dry before moving onto the next stage of their Ratchet Diet journey. For some of our patients this is the cleanest they have been for decades.
Now it’s time for our new dieters to be weighed and internally examined by our Internal Health Ratchet Inspectors.
The internal examinations are a thorough set of procedures during which all new female dieters are given a complete gynaecological examination by myself whilst the male dieters are examined rectally for any hint of prostate problems or anal fissures by Miss Furtwangler.
We had planned that these very personal and intimate procedures would be carried out by trained medical staff, but Human Resources let us down and we are currently still on the lookout for good people to take on these roles.
But in the mean time the current arrangement seems to be working quite well with us doing the checks ourself.
I take a personal pride in my work and always ensure that my hands are warm before performing the intimate examinations on the female patients and Miss Furtwangler has embraced her job of inspecting the men.
She tends to wear leather gloves most of the time anyway and these are easy to rinse under hot running water after she has finished each rectal exam. So far there have been no complaints. As we say here at the Ratchet Diet Clinic, it’s a dirty job but someone has to do it.
By the conclusion of this induction process we like to think that we know more about our new dieters than their own husband or wife or even their family physician.
Next we provide the dieters with simple, practical clothing which they will wear at all times while in the clinic. We were able to procure a job lot of hospital smocks on eBay recently and these tend to be ideal for our dieters who will be subject to ongoing weigh-ins, blood and urine sampling and other intrusive physical examinations during their stay at the Ratchet Diet clinic. We reserve the right to submit our dieters to these procedures without warning and this is much easier to do when all of our patients are wearing flimsy hospital smocks.
The focus of our clinic is your weight loss and I am afraid that to achieve that aim, the modesty and dignity or our patients has to come second at all times.
With all induction procedures completed, the smock-clad dieters are now marched from the reception tower through the main corridor and onwards towards the central control pod.
This corridor is a dim, dank and foreboding place that smells of stale urine and dead rats, but we like to think that it helps to focus the minds of the dieters that they are not arriving at a holiday camp.
Once they emerge from the main corridor the dieters find themselves in the Central Control Pod.
The Central Control Pod is the nerve centre of the Ratchet Diet Clinic.
From this vantage point we can operate the clinic with a skeleton staff.
We find that most dieters are cooperative and don’t give our staff any trouble. However there is always the joker in the pack and our staff are trained to deal with the trouble makers.
Most of my staff are ex-military or ex-prison services staff so they have the training, both mental and physical to ensure that inmates do what is required to achieve their weight loss goals.
As we like to remind our dieters. You are here for your own good.
At the Central Control Pod the delivery staff will hand over the merry band of dieters to the duty Central Ratchet Officer who will be ensuring that the dieters follow all instructions to the letter during their stay at the clinic.
All of our Clinical Staff take personal pride in the success of the clinic and are determined that all of the dieters will lose weight as we promised them when they signed up to attend the clinic.
In most cases the dieter will be assigned to their own living quarters. This will be their “home away from home” during their stay at the clinic.
We are so impressed with the calibre of the living quarters that we are actually a bit worried that some dieters might not want to leave when its time for them to go home.
All discipline matters within the clinic are managed by my right hand woman, Freda Furtwangler.
Miss Furtwangler has an impressive pedigree as a prison guard in both women’s and men’s prisons. She is famous for establishing her authority in any institution using a combination of the carrot and the stick. Without giving too much away, we must warn dieters that if they get on the wrong side of Miss Furtwangler they better hope that she plans to use the stick on them and not the carrot!
Miss Furtwangler has a proven track record of getting 100 percent obedience from men and women alike. She confided to me in her interview that she loves to dominate women but that the most rewarding aspect of her work is “man-management” and she loves her work!
Any dieter not obeying Miss Furtwangler’s instructions will feel the sting of her riding crop across their bare buttocks and will very quickly learn to toe the line.
Now its time to talk about our Ratchet Diet Re-education Unit.
One of the biggest problems that we find in any diet clinic is the problem of contraband food.
It seems that no matter what steps we take, these food addicts will get their hands on cakes, ice creams and salty crisps. it breaks our hearts at the clinic when we are giving everything we have to help these obese people lose weight and then find them self-sabotaging the process.
Any dieter caught with contraband food will be quickly reassigned to the Ratchet Diet Re-education Unit.
This is a special cell that has been stripped of everything but the bare essentials and there are no hiding places for any illegal food.
While being held in this unit the dieters will be stripped naked and will be subjected to bright lighting twenty four hours a day. There is no bed linen supplied after one inmate was found eating it. The dieter has the choice of sleeping on the wire bed frame or the cold concrete cell floor.
The only contact with another human being during this period will be the daily visit from Freda Furtwangler when she brings their daily rations of bread and water.
Unfortunately for the dieter, Miss Furtwangler has our full authority to use any means necessary to get the message through to the dieter that they are failing themselves and the Ratchet Diet program.
While running a prison camp in central America, Miss Furtwangler was trained in the art of applying non-lethal pain to subjects to attain full compliance with organisational goals and she like nothing better than settling in with her suitcase full of tools and implements for a one-on-one session with a failed dieter. She is able to use a mixture of physical torment and psychological techniques to break the will of the dieter so that they are able to finally follow the dietary guidelines. We do not recognise the concept of failure at the Ratchet Diet clinic.
A little known fact about Miss Furtwangler was that she trained as a dentist before starting her career as a prison warden and that she still carries her full kit of dental tools with her at all times. If a particularly stubborn dieter is resisting all attempts to help them, Freda Furtwangler has been known to remove all of their teeth without anaesthetic. This usually stops the dieter eating very effectively but is sometimes not fully appreciated by them at the time.
One thing that our dieters soon learn is that Miss Furtwangler is nocturnal, so a visit from her to visit you in the Ratchet Re-education Unit could be an unpleasant experience that can last from as little as an hour but can just as easily go on right through the evening until dawn. It may prove to be one of the longest nights of your life.
Now we need to turn our attention to the subject of exercise.
There is more to the Ratchet Diet Clinic than just the restriction of food. We aim to send our dieters home fit as well as lean, so there will be ample opportunity for exercise during their stay.
We have an excellent indoor courtyard where dieters can take part in a variety of physical training and sports.
We don’t have any weights or other gym equipment in the yard but we find that our dieters build fairly strong muscles by taking turns to carry each other around the exercise yard on their backs.
As the dieters lose weight and start to regain their fitness they earn the right to go “outside the stone walls” to our lovely outdoor fields where they can participate in activities such as cross country running and even start training to eventually run a marathon. For some of them it will be their first sight of green grass for several months.
A friendly word of warning though. Some dieters getting their first taste of freedom for several months have been know to keep running and try to escape. One thing that might not have been mentioned before is that Freda Furtwangler won the Prussian Ladies Cross Country trophy for 5 years in a row prior to her trial for war crimes.
So the odds of you out running here are slim to none. And the punishment for trying to escape from the Ratchet Diet Clinic before we officially discharge you is a spell in the Ratchet Diet Re-education unit and a date from hell with Freda Furtwangler.
You have been warned.
So we are coming to the end of this post. As you can see we have created a world class facility that will ensure that you meet your weight loss goals.
We are really looking forward to a new era in the history of the Ratchet Diet and would love to have you as a guest at our new facility.
So what about you the reader?
Are you interested in turbo-charging your weight loss with a stay at our clinic?
Or perhaps you have an obese family member or friend who would benefit from our firm approach to fitness.
If so contact us using the contact page at the top of this page.
We look forward to seeing you and helping you become the slim, fit and healthy person you were meant to be.
Yours in fat,