I’m Fat, I’m Fat (I’m really, really Fat)

People often contact me and ask me “Hans, why do so many of your posts seem to be taking the piss out of fat people?   Surely you should be more sensitive to your potential clients?”   After giving that question careful consideration I usually reply:

“NO!  Why should I be sensitive to people with a condition that involves them shovelling too much food into their mouth?”.

Of course that usually leads to a whole host of excuses about “glandular problems”, “big bones”, “water retention”, “high fructose corn syrup” , and McDonalds large meals.

Any of my readers who have been drug addicts or alcoholics (you know who you are!) will look back with fond memories to the first time they sought out treatment for those afflictions.   If they are honest they will remember that the first step to recovery is the recognition that they had a problem.    Only once they admitted to themselves that they had a problem could they then seek to fix that problem.

The problem these days is that the world is cursed with political correctness and “Safe Spaces”.      We are not supposed to use words like “Fat” or “Obese”.    We should talk about people being “Gravity Challenged” and look for scapegoats to blame for our problems.

Well here is a news flash.    The Ratchet Diet Clinic is NOT A SAFE SPACE.      It is a Bloody Horrible Space!   It as unsafe a space as a space can be.     This website and our clinic is a place where fat people (usually fat men) come to be slapped around their chubby chops and confronted with their problems.     We use the carrot and stick method here.    We beat you about the head with the stick and ram the carrot where the sun doesn’t shine until you get with the program and start to manage your intake of food and finally take responsibility for why you are so overweight.

fatall

Many years ago an artist known as Weird Al Yankovic released a hit record called “I’m Fat”.    This record which was a parody of a song called “I’m Bad” was lambasted by some pundits as a form of “fat shaming”.     People said that Weird Al was making fun of fat people.      Well of course he was.       This was back in the days before the Social Justice Warriors had tried to get obesity classed as a disease rather than a personality disorder that involved people eating too many cakes.

There are only a few recorded incidents where a fat person was discovered chained in a basement with a tube down their throat through which a sadistic feeder force fed them nutrients to make them fat.     In most other cases where people are overweight, the fat people have been found to be eating all of the food themselves.     Therefore I make no apology for taking the gloves off and putting on the knuckle dusters when I give advice on losing weight.

For Fred’s Sake!    I have grappled with weight problems my whole life so if anyone should know about the challenges of weight loss it would be me.

For those of you too young to remember this great song here is my analysis of the lyrics”:

I’m Fat by Weird Al Yankovic

Firstly Weird All makes the point that he has a fat butt himself.  That gives him permission to mercilessly lampoon fat people for the duration of the song.

Your butt is wide, well mine is too Just watch your mouth or I’ll sit on you The word is out, better treat me right ‘Cause I’m the king of cellulite Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right

Next he describes some of the unpleasant clothing malfunctions that can occur if you are overweight.

My zippers bust, my buckles break I’m too much man for you to take The pavement cracks when I fall down I’ve got more chins than Chinatown

He laments some of the finer things of life that he has missed out on due to his weight.

Well, I’ve never used a phone booth And I’ve never seen my toes When I’m goin’ to the movies I take up seven rows

He pulls no punches and lets the listener know that he is fat.

Because I’m fat, I’m fat, come on (Fat, fat, really, really fat) You know I’m fat, I’m fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really, really fat) You know I’m fat, I’m fat, come on, you know (Fat, fat, really, really fat)

But he does not give you permission to mock him because of his weight

Don’t ya call me pudgy, portly or stout Just now tell me once again, whos fat?

Its not all bad.   He lists some of the advantages of being fat.

When I walk out to get my mail It measures on the Richter scale Down at the beach, I’m a lucky man I’m the only one who gets a tan If I have one more pie a la mode I’m gonna need my own ZIP code

When you’re only havin’ seconds I’m havin’ twenty thirds When I go to get my shoes shined I gotta take their word

And then reminds us that he is fat

Because I’m fat, I’m fat, come on (Fat, fat, really, really fat) You know I’m fat, I’m fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really, really fat) You know I’m fat, I’m fat, you know it, you know (Fat, fat, really, really fat)

Now he even displays a bit of false pride in being fat, almost bordering on arrogance

And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds Lemme tell you once again, who’s fat

If you see me comin’ your way Better give me plenty space If I tell you that I’m hungry Then won’t you feed my face

And don’t forget that he is fat, very fat!

Because I’m fat, I’m fat, come on (Fat, fat, really, really fat) You know I’m fat, I’m fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really, really fat) You know I’m fat, I’m fat, you know it, you know (Fat, fat, really, really fat)

Here he states the obvious.

When I sit around the house I really sit around the house

And in case you forgot … he is fat.

You know I’m fat, I’m fat, come on (Fat, fat, really, really fat) You know I’m fat, I’m fat, you know it, you know it (Fat, fat, really, really fat) You know, you know, you know, come on (Fat, fat, really, really fat)

Here it sounds like he is talking directly to the recently deceased lead singer of Motorhead who was NOT fat but was quite ugly.

And you know all by myself Im a crowd Lemme tell you once again

And for those who forgot that he is fat

You know I’m huge, I’m fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really, really fat) You know I’m fat, you know (Fat, fat, really, really fat) You know I’m fat, I’m fat, you know it, you know (Fat, fat, really, really fat)

And now back to the arrogance and bragging about being fat

And the whole world knows I’m fat and I’m proud Just tell me once again, who’s fat?

Songwriter original song Michael Jackson / Converted by Weird Al Yankovic into a weight loss motivational song,

I’m Fat – Weird Al Yankovic

I’m Bad – Michael Jackson

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