Online Dating tips for Fat Men – Fake it until you make it

Hi, Hans Ratzenburger here with another one of my diet and weight loss posts.

I have had quite a few requests from some of my readers to explain my phenomenal success with women.

As you know I am often seen out and about in the company of several beautiful women.   Yet I am an ordinary looking man and I am not yet in the billionaire club so what is my secret?

I know that most of you guys reading this are ugly fat bastards, but to your credit you have started to read the posts on the Ratchet Diet website and should be finally losing weight.

You are finally seeing results from your weight loss and the ladies are starting to turn around and take notice.    Those looks of disgust that you used to get from women at work and on public transport are now becoming looks of approval and mild admiration.

Maybe they are not openly salivating over the prospects of wrestling naked with you under the sheets but they are not being physically sick at the prospect either.

You are on the right track to becoming the babe magnet that you always knew you could be.

But there is one small problem,   You have another 100 kilos to lose before you start to resemble a normal human being, but you would like to get down and dirty with a hot female sooner rather than later.    And as we all know, the Ratchet Diet prescribes a weight loss rate of one kilogram per week no more and no less.

What some of my fellow dieters here at the Ratchet Diet do in those circumstances is to “Fake it, until they make it”.

What do I mean by that exactly?

Well what some of my fellow fat bastards have done is to set up fake profiles on dating sites.      On the internet you can be anything you want.   You are only limited by your imagination.

So step one is for the aspiring Large Lover to find a really good picture of themselves either naked or in brief speedo bathing trunks.

The next step is to find a picture of the type of body you will have once you have achieved your weight loss and fitness goals on the Ratchet Diet.    Do not limit yourself here because you will be performing miracles on this diet.

You should now photo-shop the two images together so that you have a new composite image with your ideal body and your real head.    This will become your profile picture for all of your dating sites.     Don’t get too carried away with how realistic this image looks.  You are looking to get laid with hot looking bimbos most of whom will probably have the IQ of a pot plant, so they will not even notice a bad photoshop job.

Next we want to join as many dating sites as possible and start describing yourself.    Don’t hold back when describing your physical appearance and ensure that you are talking about the man you will be not the man you currently are.

Google some porn sites and get some inspiration for bedroom techniques.   The more salacious and dirty the better.   Be sure to describe your athletic abilities to turn women on in the bedroom.   Studies have shown that most women want to hear these sort of details about first and get to know you as a person later.   Feel free to describe your intimate physical attributes (with a bit of exaggeration if you feel so inclined).  Tell them you are hung like a donkey if you really want to get results.    If its good enough for Donald Trump to brag about the size of his penis, its good enough for you my friend!.

Now that you have setup your fake accounts its time to start looking for matches.    Things to watch out for are women who say that they have “an extra couple of pounds”.    That is usually code for “I’m a fat slob, but I have a pretty face”, or “I weigh as much as a baby hippo, but people tell me I have a nice personality”.  

You need to remind yourself that you are going through all of this pain and deprivation to lose weight so that you can date the hottest chicks on the planet.    You don’t want to settle for second best.  If you have created a brilliant profile you should start getting hits from sex-starved babes.  This might send you into a panic because your profile picture looks nothing like you.  But have no fear.   You still have a few tricks up your sleeve.

You can get the ball rolling by asking them to send you a few candid shots of themselves.   When they arrive print them out of a colour printer and pin them on the walls of your shower.    You are already starting to get a return on your investment of time.

Quite a few of your new female friends will want to “get to know you” before meeting up.   Google a few erotic websites for some pointers in how you should respond using steamy emails and chat that keeps your new ladies hot and eager to get to know more about you.

You are still months and possibly years away from actually going on dates with these ladies so keep those emails and photo exchanges running hot.

If you are the impatient type you can do what some of my fellow fat boys have done and arrange to meet at a seedy motel on the outskirts of your town.

Tell your date that you have a rare condition that makes you light sensitive.    Get to the motel at least a half an hour before the date and remove all the lights from their fittings.  Use strong masking tape to secure all curtains to the windows.

When your date arrives you can spend several hours of love making with her before sending her on her way totally unaware that you did not resemble your photo.   if she becomes too amorous and her hands start to explore your body, just tell her that she is so hot that you would not be able to pace your love making with her touching you. Tell her that you want this relationship to be a no strings relationship AND a strictly hands-off affair.

You might just get away with it, but don’t push your luck.    Probably not worth trying this twice with the same woman, even if she seems to have the brain of an amoeba.

By following this advice a man should be able to get a regular supply of hot sex with beautiful women until he manages to lose enough weight to go back to the regular method of meeting women in daylight and making love to them with the lights on.

One Comment:

  1. This is wonderful advice. I am going to be signing on to some dating sites tonight. This weekend I might finally get lucky.

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