Hi, Hans Ratzenburger here with another one of my posts.
I know it’s hard to believe but even your diet adviser Hans, gets sick sometimes and I have taken my eyes off the ball and lost focus on my own health and weight on more occasions than I would like to admit. (Am I not human? Do I not bleed? Do I not get sick like other mortal men?)
And recently I have been as sick as a dog. I finally returned to my day job yesterday after being laid low by illness. (Yes I do have a day job, because the readers of this blog are too tight-fisted to buy my Diet Book ) Only joking 🙂
So I had been off work due to a pretty bad virus of some sort. A bit like the flu on steroids. My weight had descended rapidly, too rapidly for my liking so I decided to put the diet on hold for the day and have a bit of a binge.
I figured that it would not hurt to build myself back up a bit after illness. Bad idea!
I got fat in the first place because I am a greedy pig who cannot resist food.
So taking away the restraints was not the best idea. I always try to remind myself that when I started searching for a way of losing weight I wanted to find a fool-proof diet that would make it easy for me to lose weight fast. And part of that fool-proof idea is to stick to the diet and not veer off into out of control food binges.
Normally I would go to the mall and purchase a crisp, clean green salad. But today I bought a Ceasar Salad for lunch time. The best way to describe this was that it looked like a creamy, greasy cardboard carton full of gooey shit. It tasted OK going down but god knows what that rubbish would do to my insides.
After lunch, my binge continued as I ate loads of crap from the vending machine during the rest of the day. All bets were off and the floodgates had well and truly opened.
After knocking off from work I had to pick my grand daughter up from day care and I knew that she would be expecting ice cream. So I purchased a giant 4 liter tub of Neapolitan ice cream and a box of paddle pop ice creams.
To cut a long story short, after finally getting my grand daughter off to sleep, I was up most of the night on an ice cream binge. I must have eaten two litres of ice cream and when I woke up this morning my stomach was extended like a balloon. I had messed up big time.
Fortunately, on this occasion the rumbling in my stomach was the beginning of something more concrete and before you could say “Elvis is still alive” I was sitting astride the porcelain throne and depositing enough brown matter in the bowl to fertilise a medium sized market garden.
Like Elvis Presley himself I had reduced my stomach from the size of a water melon to the size of a fist in a matter of minutes by taking a mega dump.
Stepping on the scales I now weighed 97 kilos which was spot on my current Ratchet Weight. I had dodged a bullet again.
That could have been much worse if I had not had that mega dump. I would have been very close to Busting a Ratchet (The term used in the Ratchet Diet when our weight is higher than our current Ratchet Weight).
As pop music fans would know Elvis Presley would regularly drop up to 15 kilograms of faecal matter into his golden throne before a big show in Las Vegas.
Holy Cow Batman! That’s bigger than most babies!!!
Some of the musical press who attended shows two nights in a row reported that The King (as Elvis was sometimes known to his friends) could drop up to six shirt sizes overnight. But only his closest friends and advisors knew how he was doing it. It appeared that he had access to some sort of miracle diet.
There are rumours that one of Elvis Presley’s biggest stools was retrieved from the toilet bowl one evening by his bodyguards and put into the freezer so that they could show it off to their friends. The giant stool was preserved for posterity by painting it with several thick coats of nautical varnish. The Titanic Turd was then placed on a red velvet cushion inside an airtight glass viewing case. This exhibit is not available to the general public but can be viewed by special arrangement when visiting the Elvis Presley museum at Graceland. (Sorry folks, I can’t find a link to this rumour to back it up so you will have to trust me on this one)
I am personally not up to the lofty standards of Elvis on the porcelain throne, but I reckon there was at least one kilo of faecal matter floating in the toilet bowl this morning. Definitely a two flush job.
So I dodged a bullet today and my weight did not go over my Ratchet Weight. But it was a wake-up call to keep focussed on the diet and not rely on an Elvis moment to undo the damage of poor eating habits.
I have been contacted by several of my readers asking what me for more information about what I mean by an “Elvis Moment”. (Sadly I have no control over who reads this blog and some of my readers appear to be intellectually challenged)
So for those people, what I am referring to is the ability of Elvis to occasional pass a stool that was as big as a real stool.
According to his doctor, Elvis had a colon five or six inches in diameter, compared to an average of two to three inches. And rather than the standard four to five feet long, Elvis’s colon was eight to nine feet long. I hope that clears it up for those people.
HEALTH WARNING: If you are a normal person reading this with a normal sized colon you should not attempt to lose weight using the Elvis Presley method.